Malaysia - The Quotes

QUALIFYING

DCr: One DRS detection zone for the race, but you can open that DRS throughout your qualifying session, Martin Brundle, if you dare. And I daresay on your run up to the box today, you opened the DRS flap quite a lot yourself? That was an impressive time!

MB: I said to Kimi [Raikkonen] after free practice 3, "the car looks okay, yeah?", and I got six words back, which I think means he's incredibly excited about it!
DCr: That's a proper conversation, isn't it?
...
MB: Let's not forget, of course, that Raikkonen has a five-place grid drop for having to change the cog-box - the gearbox at the back - out of sequence.

MB: Ricciardo's only 16th, Vergne the first one out - I would have lost a lot of money on that.

DCr: Nico Rosberg was talking at the start of the week about the compromise between their qualifying pace, which we think they've got with this 'super-duper' - in inverted commas - DRS, and their race pace, which wasn't what they expectd in Melbourne.

MB: It may be 43 degrees out on the track, but the Iceman set a good benchmark there. That's a properly quick time, a 1:36.7 .

DCr: A bit of work to be done down on Pastor Maldonado's car there. A bit of debris attached itself to the barge-board, there.
MB: Gravel rash, it's known as, inside the teams.

(Introducing Q3)
DCr: McLaren have never been on pole in Malaysia. Will that record be broken today? Will they rediscover their winning streak?
MB: And will Jenson Button be on pole position for the first time in 50 races - his first time for McLaren? Have Red Bull got what it takes? Were Mercedes-Benz hiding...I don't know! Do you? I really don't know!
DCr: Haven't got a clue, to be honest. It's like I'm sat down watching University Challenge. I couldn't answer any of those questions, cos nobody knows!

DCr: It's Hamilton again who has laid down a very impressive marker in this high-speed-stakes and game of poker!


THE RACE

(Ted discusses the Mercedes rear wing)
TK: We explained how air comes in through the DRS, down the rear wing endplates, and then into this rear wing beam. But look! The car was uncovered! And we can see a little bit of piping!
(Perhaps this one is in the delivery; I've gotta love a guy who's so incredibly enthusiastic about his job and the information he's sharing with us. -Ed)

(Then he takes a nosey at the weather radar)
TK: It says that the large shower located to the north-east is moving towards the circuit, a high probability of rain before the beginning of the race. (He turns to point at the large, evil cloud) There it is, Simon! It's a-coming!

(On the grid with Jenson)
JB: Well, it is starting to rain now, we're probably going to have a wet start to the race.
MB: (very brightly) Really? You think rain's that imminent, is it?
JB: Yeah...s'ppose that's quite obvious, really...

(Martin vs Zee Germans, Round 1)
MB: We've got...a fight going on between TV crews, Owen Wilson the actor here...who's, erm, Lightning Queen from the movie 'Cars'...(Kai Ebel sees Martin sniffing around and turns Wilson around so Martin's looking at the back of Wilson's head)...Kai here at RTL, and, er...(Martin pulls a face)...I'll take a step back, then...(he tries to jump in after Kai and gets brushed off quickly) That's always interesting to know. So!

(The rain comes down, the safety car goes out)
MB: So Vergne is still on the intermediates then, and Vettel's gone off on the full wets. How on earth is Vergne getting round the racetrack on those? "Slowly" would be one answer - but he's still there, isn't he?

MB: Remember I said on the grid, the safety car's got about 125 kilometres of fuel - probably a bit more, probably 140 in full wet conditions.
DCr: Have they got a spare?
MB: They have a spare. You weren't listening to my gridwalk, Crofty!
...
DCr: To be honest, I was listening intently to the gridwalk, but I was still chuckling at your int-er, altercation with Owen Wilson down there, which has to be the shortest Hollywood interview ever.
MB: Hah, when he's treading on my toes!

DCr: The view that Fernando Alonso just hasn't got, even behind the Safety Car! It's just like driving down the M1 without your windscreen wipers on - which you should never, ever try.

(The red flag comes out and it's time for more Ted)
TK: Yes, I'm getting slightly damp down here, guys. The teams have their own ways to avoid getting damp. Particularly enterprising I thought were the Mercedes team, who brought two gazebos - they look like the sort of gazebos that you'll get in your common garden warehouse. There's McLaren, they've got one too, don't wanna be outdone by Mercedes, and they've set these gazebos up over their cars, as you can see. I wonder if that's the lesson they've learned...Everyone's got a gazebo! There we go! Learnt a lesson from Canada, where everybody just got completely wet and it got in the computers and everything like that. So there you go, you never know when your local DIY shop is gonna become useful. Maybe a Malaysian one has done particularly good business this week.

MB: Do you know, I've been racing for 40 years, and that red flag countback situation, I've never got my head round it.

MB: Ferrari...
DCr: They've found a gazebo!
MB: Bit slow with the gazebo. Bit like the car this year, unfortunately.

MB: You're living on your wits when you can't really see out the front of the car, like passing a truck on the motorway when your wipers have failed, and your windscreen's obliterated, and what happens is you start listening for the car in front, your peripheral vision heightens, and you start finding new reference points. (A strange replay comes in.) Er, that was a classic shot, wasn't it? Felipe Massa's dad with a cardboard cutout of Felipe Massa, wasn't it, in the middle? Was it? It wasn't the real thing, was it? I mean, I caught it out of the corner of my eye.
DCr: They do have those cardboard cutouts! There's one of Fernando Alonso, complete with silly beard as well, trust me.

(Ever alert for a cheap way of filling in time, Ted zeroes in on more gazebo chat...)
TK: Hello, yes, and you join me - I should say "Ahoy!" - Jonathan Neal, in the McLaren garage. What's your radar saying?
JN: Everybody's radar shows a large green and blue splodge right in the middle of yer screen there, for the last half an hour.
...
TK: As we can see there, Vettel's got a gazebo, you've got a gazebo, did you buy this locally or bring it out from Woking?
(He explains how it was discussed with the FIA and FOM and gazebos are now specifically permitted as long as they don't have sides)
TK: Don't you love that? So Formula One! There's even a technical discussion between the teams and the FIA as to whether they're allowed a tent on the grid!
DCr: Yeah, we had one person Tweet us saying "Is this now the most expensive car boot sale in history?"
MB: I think it would be if a few more of them had run into each other, but impressively, there's not much carbon fibre lying around to sell cheaply, is there?

MB: When I came off the grid and it started to rain, it smelled like steam, it smelled like an old kettle.

DCr: Jean-Eric Vergne just oozes cool, doesn't he?
MB: His boots won't be wet, because he obviously walks on water, doesn't he?

(Natalie Pinkhsm grabs Norbert Haug)
NP: I would have thought a man of your stature would have a direct contact to God?
NH: Ha ha, if I had a direct contact to God, Michael wouldn't have been spun round on the first lap.

(Ted once more, as the restart time is announced)
TK: Where Jenson Button was in the McLaren hospitality area having a cup of tea with the Whitmarshes.

(Martin talks about driving the 2010 Ferrari)
MB: It was a Raikkonen seat. I couldn't get in an Alonso seat - his hips were too girly.

MB: DRS is still disenabled...er, "disabled" is the word I was looking for...
DCr: "Not working."

MB: [Button] is a heating engineer right now, and he's not able to keep his front tyres warm.

DCr: This could be Sauber's best ever race. Ted?
TK: Didn't Sauber win a race?
DCr: No. (Crickets) Maybe when they were BMW...

MB: Always be on the right tyres at the right time.

MB: If you're going to let the leader through, let him positively through! Don't loiter on the racing line like that!

MB: We have some new heroes in Formula One. Sergio Perez, I'm adding Bruno Senna to that list.

MB: You put your thumb into the side of these Pirelli tyres, especially this year's spec, and it'll just go right through.

MB: I feel happy for Sauber, but I think it's the race they should have won. I really do think it's the race they should have won.

MB: There's that controversial pull-rod front suspension. Didn't seem to be too bad today, did it?
...
Suddenly those ugly noses don't look quite so ugly when they're in the winner's circle, do they?

(The cameras show the cars' empty cockpits after the drivers have left)
MB: It looks so peaceful in there after all that activity, doesn't it?

SL: There are some very, very, very happy Italians around me!