Monaco - The Quotes

QUALIFYING

MB: It's B&B, isn't it?  And I don't mean "boats and Bollinger"; this is bravery versus the barriers.

DH: I promise you I will eat this microphone if Lewis Hamilton doesn't get pole position and win the race.

(Simon attempts to bring a curious kid into the coverage, but he turns out to be Italian and doesn't speak English)
SL: Go and speak to Johnny, he's about the same height...

(Kobayashi gormlessly thumps a barrier)
MB: I don't think I've ever...I was walking this track with my son the other day, and I said "I don't think I've ever seen anybody really hit that barrier" - well, I have now.  He was looking right, you can see it, and he just wandered across the track, effectively, for want of a slightly better word, and clouted the barrier.
DCr: I heard a very unkind engineer once say of Nico Rosberg here as he crashed at the swimming pool sector, that maybe he was just waving to someone in his apartment...too many distractions, just ask Stirling Moss.

(Of the track temperature)
MB: It's gone up to 47 degrees...I dunno, it's somewhere near a kettle, isn't it, because it's wandering up for no apparent reason whilst the air stays at 23...

(Of Grosjean)
MB: I'll be amazed if this man isn't on the first two rows of the grid, and mildly surprised if he's not on the front row.

(Raikkonen struggles)
MB: What are they doing with that car?  They've got the fastest car on the racetrack through most of free practice...

MB: Somebody's moved the temperature probe away from the kettle, it's dropped 6 degrees now to 41.

(Vettel gets on the radio)
MB: "Jumping like a rabbit".  Very technical!  I think Rocky knows what he means.

(Discussing the new abrasive runoff)
MB: And with my very technical trainer test, I declare that to be very grippy indeed.  It's good stuff.

DH: I'm definitely not making a comeback now.
(Laughter as a tray appears)
SL: I tell you what you are going to do, though.  How would you like it served?  We've got pepper, we've got some Tabasco, we've got...this was for Lewis Hamilton not finishing on pole...
(He gives DH the microphone he promised to eat earlier on a cone; DH cheats and eats the cone.  Typical Sky ripoff!)


THE RACE

(Start with a shout-out to their excellent intro piece with the team all arriving at Monte Carlo by different routes - I can't start transcribing any one bit without wanting to take all of it, so I won't try.  Sky's coverage is really starting to find its feet now, for mine.)

MB: As Ted said when he was in that McLaren doing his Driving Miss Daisy bit; if you're going to go to a Grand Prix, it's a great place to start.

SL: [Schumacher's] loss, Mark Webber's gain - well, one for the old boys, today, or the older boys.
MB: Well, you're a very young man, so...

(On the grid)
MB: Look at that shot down to the first corner.  You know sometimes you come into a roundabout and there's too many signs, you don't know where to go?  It must look very much like that at 180mph, especially if you're under someone else's front wing.  They've moved a plant pot in the pit lane to make this a straighter run...

MB: Can you imagine how much those apartments cost?  Well, add another nought, and you might be somewhere near.

MB: We'll dive straight into the melee.  You'll notice that it's hard to see a racing car, because there's so many people on the grid. 

MB: We'll see what's going on around Alonso's car...he's hugging Antonio Banderas at the moment, and if I could actually get anywhere near it, I would...Will, could we get a word with your man, when you get a chance...if you'd be so kind as to, I dunno, just pull his jacket, or something...can you sort this out for us, Will?  Soon as he's done?  OK, I, um, wouldn't expect you to kick his shins, or anything, but you might have to do that in a minute, to be frank...
(He gets his interview and wanders off)
MB: I was a bit surprised to hear that [Banderas], this is the first time he's ever met Fernando, so maybe we've gotta go for the big man hug straight away, would be the way to get on terms with Fernando...
(He gets jumped from behind by Eric Clapton and Jools Holland as he's going after Liam Cunningham and Michael Fassbender - it's that sort of a grid!)
MB: Liam!  Oi!  What's the matter?  I'm busy, can't you -- I'm nearly famous, for goodness sake!  You can't do that sort of thing when I'm busy!  What happens if I jump on at the Albert Park stage and go "Oi!  Eric!"
EC: Well, that's the way to do it!  That's the way to do it!

(Marty throws back to the others)
SL: Yeah, we got a driver in, the driver that everyone's talking about, but awash with celebrities there!  I mean, it's clearly the thing to be seen on now, Martin Brundle's gridwalk!
DH: Well, Monaco has always attracted all the film stars and great names, and I have to say, when I was on the grid I was surrounded by people I hadn't, suddenly I was best friends with people I'd never met before, and I'm trying to work out who they were!  Usually I'd have to ask my wife! 
SL: (To Johnny) Quite offputting, all around the car?
JH: Well, it's different, cos he was at the sharp end, I was always sort of midfield, at the back, and they never came that far back, unfortunately...
DH: Not always!

(Natalie Pinkham grabs Ron Dennis by the pit wall, grabs a few words, then...)
NP: Thank you very much.  Now I'm going to watch you gracefully manouevre your way over that wall!
RD: Easy peasy!
NP: You need to help your lovely lady, as well...!

(And then Nicole Scherzinger, who models her jumpsuit)
SL: Johnny's going to dig his jumpsuit out for a little bit later, what a treat for you!

MB: It'd be a brave man who tried to outbrake Fernando Alonso into Saint Devote, especially if you were his teammate who normally has to do what he says.

DCr: Is it time for a team order?  "Fernando, Felipe is faster than you"?

MB: All's fair in love, war, and Formula One, they say.

DCr: And we watch Narain Karthikeyan taking the wrong line.
MB: Having an incident all by himself there.  Feeling a little bit lonely, no doubt, down by the hairpin.

(Tango Echo Delta reports on Mercedes mechanics in the pit lane, but not stopping a car)
MB: Ted, do you think Mercedes were trying to maybe dupe Red Bull, or have I read too many James Bond books?

DCr: They say here if it's raining over the Alps then that's going to stay there, if it's coming over the harbour from the sea, the rain is on its way.
MB: You sure they're not burning €50 notes out there, or something, on the boats to keep themselves warm?
DCr: There is a recession on, even in Monte Carlo...

Rosberg's team radio: Possible light rain in four minutes.
MB: Oh, yes.  I didn't think that when I was driving out there, would have been nightmare scenario, but it might just spice this race up a treat.

MB: Raikkonen with a proper queue behind him now.
DCr: We've seen a few queues , but normally they're to get into a nightclub at round about two o'clock in the morning.

(Hamilton moans about his pit board)
MB: Maybe just the numbers they put on it - it's a very basic system in this high-tech world of sticking little plastic numbers on a board.

MB: [Lewis Hamilton] with three wheels on his wagon as he comes off the end of that Swimming Pool chicane at about 140 mph, it's just mindblowing to stand there and watch cars go through.  It never ceases to impress me, and I've been hanging round these things all my life.  It's just incredible, the speed and the grip; the air pressure knocks you back; the revs vibrate your body as they come through there.  It's just wonderful.

MB: Massa's flat-spotted his again, we saw onboard with him at Rascasse, and that left front must be like a fifty pence piece by now.

MB: Reliability is just extraordinary, isn't it, now in Formula One?  I mean, back in the day, if you were running P10 at half distance and you finished, then you were virtually guaranteed to be in the points, and they only went down to P6 then for World Championship points.  Now it's highly unusual to see a car having a problem, unless you've bounced it off another car or the barriers.

MB: They run about 20 PSI in these tyres, and a very high sidewall.  The wheels are only about 13 inch, so something a bit like an early Mini Metro.

TK: Michael [Schumacher] went on the radio to ask "is [the problem they just mentioned] engine or gearbox?", and they wouldn't tell him because they know people like me are listening!  They said "Michael, all you need to know is, it's not critical."

DCr: There's a man in front of us, Ted Kravitz, clapping his hands at the thought of rain, and he's got the Union flag in front of him as well!
TK: Well, either that or he doesn't like Michael Schumacher very much, because he can see that Mercedes are clearing a space for the seven-times world champion...

MB: Vettel's been told "the only thing we see on the radar is isolated drops".
DCr: One drop, spaced by about three metres apart?

MB: Catching one thing, passing is quite another, of course.

(Webber gets seriously slow)
DCr: I tell yer what, he's caused a concertina like some folk singers' convention out there at the moment!

DCr: Alonso's almost shoving Nico Rosberg down the hill!