(Discussing the latest Concorde Agreement and Mercedes' dissatisfaction)
DH: It doesn't seem to make any difference, does it, how much you've invested in the sport; "that's your lookout", I'm sure I can hear a certain small man saying to himself.
MB: I mean, Bernie's not everyone's cup of tea, but, he's 82 years old, his main device always is "divide and conquer", and he's been ace at it this time round, hasn't he?
MB: One driver said to me on the way home from Bahrain on the plane, "my granny could drive these cars", there's so little grip...
DH: That'd be interesting, wouldn't it? I'd like to see that! Maybe we should sign her up?
MB: That very same driver came out and supported the Pirelli thing during the...cos he obviously had to toe the corporate line of the particular team that he drives for, but I think the drivers are a bit frustrated when they're eight or nine seconds slower in the race than they were in qualifying.
SL: Busy pit lane right now. Johnny Herbert didn't wear a vest like myself and Damon, and will now have to do the rest of the show like this with his hands clamped to his sides!
JH: Oh, thanks! Oh, thanks, buddy!
(General chortling and amusement)
DH: It's all right for you, I've got to stand next to him!
JH: Well, [the teams] won't know where they need to be because of the temperature. I think Damon, you had a look at the track temperature and it was at...
DH: Well, I wasn't going to tell you, but it's 38 degrees...
JH: I know you weren't! That's why I asked you!
DH: It's a secret!
MB: Tell me!
(Discussing the technical updates for this race)
TK: We can also have a look at these little winglets here, which I like to call "eyebrow" winglets. I'm sure McLaren will call them something else...
SL: We've found something to sort Johnny Herbert's problem out!
(The Force India sporting director is blasting JH's armpits with a gigantic cooling contraption)
SL: His roles are many and varied...
(Q1 starts and not a lot happens)
MB: This is looking like a spaghetti western right now, isn't it? They're all hangin' out quietly, just keeping out of the midday sun, and then all of a sudden they'll come out shooting in a little while.
DCr: Ted! Still not very noisy with you.
(An engine fires up literally in the middle of his sentence)
TK: Oh, I beg to differ!
DCr: Oh, really (!)
(di Resta goes wide)
MB: I'm not sure he has any fillings in his teeth, but it does rattle them out - he's too young for that, I guess.
(And again, at Turn 3, allowing Martin to revisit an old bugbear from a different angle)
MB: They're so lucky, cos that used to just be bumpy gravel, and you'd go straight into a wall and probably straight to hospital.
MB: There'll be plenty of bitching going on from many of these drivers when they get back into the pits of, like, "I don't understand this, what's happened? I've got no front grip!"
(I didn't know you could say "bitching" on Sky... -Ed)
(Charles Pic talks about Q1 and competing with the "Cat-ur-am")
MB: "Cat-uh-ham" - I heard it on CNN the other day as "Cayter-HAM", and I don't think they know that particular village too well around the world, do they?
(Thanks to a being known only as "The Stig" for flagging this one up for me.)
(Martin just ensures we didn't miss his previous, subtle, inferences about the presence of artificial grass strips lining the circuit)
MB: It's still pretty much a crosswind through that Turn 9, where they're really struggling not to run wide onto the...astroturf, carpet...call it what you will....fake grass...ability to be inaccurate and still get away with it. Call it whatever you want.
(Rosberg clumps a kerb heavily)
DCr: ...You really do start to feel that wind, specially if it is a bit of a crosswind--oof, dear! He felt that, Nico Rosberg! Probably took the wind out of him, going over the kerb so hard!
MB: Formula One cars are so clumsy at fifty miles an hour, and so are Formula One drivers, by the looks of it. You can't see the kerb when you get there in the things, and it's just a horrible part of the track to drive.
MB: Nico Rosberg then, about to clump that Turn 14 inside kerb, and yeah, he got the really big one, the "You can take a bit of kerb but you're not coming this far" kerb.
(I take no responsiblity for anyone who is losing their ability to comprehend the word "kerb" by this point -Ed)
MB: I would not be at all surprised to see Romain Grosjean win a Grand Prix this year. He seems as if he's got all the pace of Raikkonen, and they've got a great car.
DH: They've always been an interesting team. I mean, I still think of them as Benetton, to be honest.
(On the grid, Martin gets adventurous)
MB: Right, let's dive in to...here's a lady, do you speak English? Let's have a Marty's Random Person...(he gets totally blanked)....no! She clearly doesn't speak English! Oh, I've got the wrong aftershave on. Do you speak English? (She indicates yes, but demurres) Ah, just a quick word? Right...that went well. I'm gonna try a man next. Oh, look at this dude looking cool, look. Do you speak English? No! Nobody speaks English! (He desperately accosts a passing photographer) There's Keith Sutton, he speaks English, of Sutton Photographic! Keith, who's going to win the race?
KS: It's going to be Maldonado.
MB: Maldonado? Right! (He moves on) Bernie, do you speak English? (Bernie Ecclestone, for it is he, looks at him like he's got two heads).
(He chats to Bernie and then, finally, finally, finally, finds a lady who speaks English and will talk to him for his MRP)
MB: Quick word, you're my first Marty's Random Person of the year, and you're obviously with Red Bull Racing. Are you from Red Bull?
MRP: No, I'm from Vienna, and so I like Vettel.
MB: So, we head down to Pastor Maldonado. I've got no idea if he's available. I've no idea if he's on the grid!
(Crofty finishes his intro)
DCr: We have a glorious race in prospect: Martin Brundle, who's wearing "Blank Me" by Brut as his aftershave this afternoon, I just can't wait for this to get going.
(Replay of the start from Alonso's car)
MB: This is going to be a great view, I'm looking forward to this! Watch Maldonado gently come over and leave him the width of a Ferrari plus a sheet of A4, basically, and Alonso says "that's more than enough".
(Kobayashi absolutely mugs Jenson Button for position)
MB: You know when you've been KKed, and that was absolutely fine. He went in there, the door was open and he walked through the door, and gave Jenson a little touch just to move him out of the way....
DCr: It's Kobayashi's way of making the corner, isn't it? Just bounce off the car to your right?
MB: We've seen him do it on many occasions, haven't we?
DCr: Glorious race at Suzuka where he used the hairpin to barge past Toro Rossos...
MB: "Just in case I run wide, I'll lean on you."
(Charles Pic retires instead of serving a drive-through)
MB: It's supposed to be through the pits, not through the garage...
MB: His first crash there - he's just crashed into the cameraman. Had his crash helmet on, fortunately.
(Read this one out loud, I think...)
DCr: It's victory for Williams, for Pastor, in Spain!